Love that hurt

When the time you send me to told me that you have think deeply and decide to break up, I've got nothing that I can do but to accept it.

When the feeling of love start to fade away, that is the time we are being tested and both of us were unable to go trough it. It's my fault, I was unable to fulfill your need and request. When I want to say something I just don't know how to express it, maybe all of this is caused by me.

After break up, I was thinking a lot of things. I just can't forget what you say. I remember the time that we say we love each other, we make promises. In the end, all of it were just our imagination, without any reality. Maybe that is the problem will occur for long distance love. I also remember that you want me to promise that I have to sleep early, I have to release stress, I have to sms you when I go or back from school, and etc. But now, I just feel empty, my heart was empty, all left is just like needle that stab into my heart. The sweeter we are the more I hurt now.

The luckiest thing is that I can be your boyfriend, the worst thing is our relationship cannot last longer. I understand waiting is a suffering process, even though I say don't give up, but what does it can represent? Maybe less suffer will be better. If we love each other but many problems occur, I will choose to give up because it is the fastest and easiest way.

Now I started to understand, when loving someone, it doesn't need to have her repay, when I see you happy and enjoy, I would be your guardian and protect you silently. If I did not agree with you that time, both of us will be more suffer.

If we break up, maybe both of us will have happiness.

Is it wrong to have an interests?

Is it wrong if I have an extra interests? 

Why they disagree with me when I say I want to learn to play violin and want to buy one violin? I just told them I will learn from friend then they straightly say I will not learn anythings from a friend. Do they means I am stupid or my friend don't know how to teach? 

When I don't have this interest and just know play computer games or surfing the net that time, they keep on urging me to have other type of interest instead of sitting in front of computer. Now I want to have playing violin as my interest then they keep on disagree with me. What should I do?

Until now, I don't know whether I should continue with my interests or just give it up. In my heart, I really want to learn to play violin since I feel that violin match my style. Can anyone suggest what should I do?

Besides that, these few weeks until the end of this semester I am quite busy since got a lot of test to study. However, I will try my best. 

Why couple can be so sweet but

Sometimes I feel why couple can be so sweet but will break suddenly while some couple always quarrel but still can together.

Is it true that the more you quarrel, the deeper you can understand each other while sweet couple usually there is one party who only act like sweet only. So it break at last? Is love really that fragile?

There was an video say that we will meet 3 kinds of people. One is the person you love but him/her don't love you. The second type of person is you don't love but he/she love you. The third kind of people is neither you or him/her can say loving each other or not but just feel both of you appear in the right time. The 3rd kind is where mostly will lead to wedding. It is very meaningful.

Anyway, I wish all couple, please appreciate the other part.

Can put down the mask?

Should I put down my mask? I feel like I am acting in front of many people.
I still want to join my friends go here and there even though I am sick. I did not tell them anything any my illness because I don't want they worry. In the end, I am the one who suffer all.
I can't able to sleep well for few days already due to non-stop cough in the night. It really make me suffer till wanna cry already.
I know maybe some of my friend can see I have become thinner and like weaker if compare with before CNY.
Many people will gain weight during holiday or CNY except me, I lose weight during that time. Haiz.

Another problem is the tutorial for one of my subject. How can the tutor know nothing about the assignment and just told me to consult the lecturer. One more thing is the tutor did not arrange the group for group assignment and till now I still dunno who is my group member for that subject group assignment. I am the only BT student and others are other courses. Haiz. Now I even have to do pair work by myself. I now trying to tell myself that this is to train me to work independently.

Actually I did not want to say these out but I have no choice because I really feel tired of it.

That's all I write for this entry.

Stress...Change

Why I have already started to afraid of some subjects although it is only week two?
Does that means I can't catch up with others?
Is it a sign that tell me that my study method have to be change? But how?
I am very confuse about what should I do for now on. I tried to force myself to revise what has been taught today but for some subjects, I can't recall it back and ended up with lots of unknowns.
Which causes me become anxious and afraid. We are afraid when we facing unknowns or something that is not familiar with us.

I remember the last time I have this feeling is the first week when I first come to UTAR. I like lost and my heart is fulfilled by anxiety.
I think what causes me like this is the incident when I am still a child.
That year I not really remember what age am I, what I know is that I feel all my life is just run like what my parents planning. That time I really want to escape but I know I can't. Maybe it is what we called we can't change our fate. We only can obey our fate.
I believe many people childhood is very happy and relax but not me. In my memory, my childhood is books, dozen of books. My aim during my childhood is studying and get good results. The reason that my parents tell me is, you have to start studying when you are small then only you can catch up with others. During gathering with relatives, my result become the tools that my parents using it to compare with relatives' children. I really hate this kind of comparison. If they found out my relatives' children get better result than me, then they will scold me when back to home. I really feel I am like a tools only. In the end, I ended up in my house and don't even have many chances meeting and making new friends. Which causes me now afraid and anxious when making new friends. I try really hard to overcome this problems but luckily I success for few times.

During my secondary school life, is just do not have many difference. Whoever that I want to make friends with, my parents will say a lot of things and keep asking. There are a few times I and my parents argue because of this issue. I know many people during secondary school life will go out with friends during night but not me. I do not have any permission to go out during night. The reason is "danger". When people tell me that I am flower in the house, I have to admit even though this is not the life I want. What I feel is I am just like a piece of chess that being played by my parents. I just can't independent.

I will stop here. I may have to conceal my real feeling when facing with friends. If I disclose myself too much, I afraid I will ended up with no friends. I think I have to change even though it will be really hard. I hope I can manage my education very well.