Stress...Change

Why I have already started to afraid of some subjects although it is only week two?
Does that means I can't catch up with others?
Is it a sign that tell me that my study method have to be change? But how?
I am very confuse about what should I do for now on. I tried to force myself to revise what has been taught today but for some subjects, I can't recall it back and ended up with lots of unknowns.
Which causes me become anxious and afraid. We are afraid when we facing unknowns or something that is not familiar with us.

I remember the last time I have this feeling is the first week when I first come to UTAR. I like lost and my heart is fulfilled by anxiety.
I think what causes me like this is the incident when I am still a child.
That year I not really remember what age am I, what I know is that I feel all my life is just run like what my parents planning. That time I really want to escape but I know I can't. Maybe it is what we called we can't change our fate. We only can obey our fate.
I believe many people childhood is very happy and relax but not me. In my memory, my childhood is books, dozen of books. My aim during my childhood is studying and get good results. The reason that my parents tell me is, you have to start studying when you are small then only you can catch up with others. During gathering with relatives, my result become the tools that my parents using it to compare with relatives' children. I really hate this kind of comparison. If they found out my relatives' children get better result than me, then they will scold me when back to home. I really feel I am like a tools only. In the end, I ended up in my house and don't even have many chances meeting and making new friends. Which causes me now afraid and anxious when making new friends. I try really hard to overcome this problems but luckily I success for few times.

During my secondary school life, is just do not have many difference. Whoever that I want to make friends with, my parents will say a lot of things and keep asking. There are a few times I and my parents argue because of this issue. I know many people during secondary school life will go out with friends during night but not me. I do not have any permission to go out during night. The reason is "danger". When people tell me that I am flower in the house, I have to admit even though this is not the life I want. What I feel is I am just like a piece of chess that being played by my parents. I just can't independent.

I will stop here. I may have to conceal my real feeling when facing with friends. If I disclose myself too much, I afraid I will ended up with no friends. I think I have to change even though it will be really hard. I hope I can manage my education very well.

The night before my motorcycle test

What word can I use for tonight?
Mostly is anxious, scare, and worry. I now trying to tell myself that I will be all right, I can pass this test, Its just a test only, don't worry too much. However, inside my heart, these positive and negative thinking is fighting violently. What can I do to reduce my stress level??? I am on a great pressure now.
I will try my best and will definitely pass the test tomorrow. Wish me luck and all the best. ^^

First blog entry for year 2010

Its year 2010 already and guess what. we all one year older already. Haha
2010 I hope is a better year and hope no unhappy things or incidents will happen.
The first mission for me in the beginning in this year is to get my motorcycle license in 14 of January.
I will surely able to accomplish my first mission although now I feeling anxious and worry about it. Anyway, I will try my best.
In this year, I have plan many things for me to do and will accomplish all the mission and target that I set.
That's all for my first blog entry for 2010 and wish all my friends all the best. ^^