平安夜前夕

很奇怪吧，为什么不是圣诞节前夕。哈哈，其实没什么，就今天是平安夜的前两天。
宁静的夜晚，徐徐微风不断迎面而来，仿佛想把我那虚假的面具吹掉。整个人不知不觉地开始回想自己的事情。
八月，对我来说是个大日子，因为我终于被UM录取为research assistant。心里兴奋的心情压抑不住，恨不得就越赶快到来。
九月，刚开工不到几天，后悔了。这里并没有想象中那么好，位子不够，bench不够，仪器不够，一个小小的pantry，一张桌子竟然是五个人的办公室。也许是还不习惯吧，忍忍看会不会改善。
十月，忍无可忍了。情况每况愈下，lab又来了新人，现在一个星期有两三天是在办公室上网到放工，想做东西却没有位子做。终于鼓起勇气提交了辞职信，提交了过后我好像松了一口气。接下来的日子就把给我的东西做到美美然后交回给senior。另外，也开始找工作了。
十一月，没有任何消息。心里却安慰自己说就当作休息一下吧。可是每当看到朋友工作时，心里都会低落，会埋怨自己为什么还是游手好闲。想找part time，家人却一直念。这个月比较没有压力就是去女友家陪伴她，我可以感觉到她一直鼓励我，给我正能量。所以每当在她家的期间，我会很有斗志，可是一回家后，斗志被家人的冷言冷语磨灭了。
十二月，还是没有消息。心里开始慌了，想逃避这一切。刚巧女友的空，便去她家一个星期。晚上睡觉时连她都知道我压力大，因为一直磨牙。有一次我还崩溃到哭了出来。我真的慌了。心里想，我已经不小了，要开始赚钱了，要不然以后怎样养家呀，怎样给幸福家庭。以前还在求学时，心里的计划是多么的完美，现在却被残酷的现实给慢慢吞噬。我觉得我就是缺乏那份勇气，每当要做事情是，心里都会往坏的方面想，结果放弃了。也许是因为以前做任何事在家人眼中都是错的，自信心变这样被削弱。现在很怕亲戚一直问我有什么打算，我真的不懂我该如何打算。
除此之外，发现到另一个问题。自从五月毕业，我和家人之间好像有隔阂，他们说的话题我完全接不进去。只有他们说，我在听，要不然我就自己回房间。
现在2012快要结束了，快要迎接新的一年了，可是我却没有勇气面对新的到来。我不奢望别人来帮忙因为自己的路要自己走，我只想在这里抒发出来。

Myself

Today did some personality test and found out got one test is showing the real me by showing a very accurate result. The result as followed:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

After read this, I just feels like understanding myself better.

The end of the world

As getting near the "so called" 2012 Armageddon. A lot of social website getting more and more topic regarding to it. For me, I will just take it as a normal day. There is also a joke but true regarding this 2012. If people believe that 21.12.2012 11.11am GMT is the end of the world and used all his/her money before that. Even though there is no the end of the world but its the end of the world of that person. So, I believe that the end of the world is in your hand, if you want it to be happen, it will happen to you. Lastly, I will just post a countdown clock as somekind of counting down the arrival of that day.



The Official Countdown

久违的感觉

昨晚和知己skype了一会儿，虽然都是谈些琐碎的事情，可是心里确实有那种很回味的柑橘。对！就是当我们大家还在degree时的感觉，那种感觉回来了。可是时间就是过得那么快，谈不到一会儿大家都要下线了。

今天是我另一位知己的生日，本来想昨晚作弄她的，电话竟然没有回复。心里想：你是故意的还是睡着了。哈哈！结果今天早上六点十四分被电话信息铃声吵醒，你真的那么早起身。今天是你的生日，短短的手机通话向你祝福，我好像比你还要开心，可能是因为太久大家没有一起谈天了吧。

LL，大家每年来一次的聚会吧。:)

迷失了自我

终于辞掉了在马大的工作。这一天，带着舒畅但是沉重的心情把我成功的完成了那时senior交给我的project交回给她。在马大的两个月我的确学了不少东西，也很佩服自己的能力。以前需要三个月完成的东西，现在不到一个月就完成了。至于坏的方面，我也学了一些。现在我对于“云吞”有更坏的印象。在这里，十个有九个都是当作来上班是休息的地方，懒散（午餐时间到一点，两点半还在里面吃东西，完全不理我们这些小人物再三的催促）。在PJ的这两个月，我终于明白什么叫做一样米养百种人。有些对你很好，可是在背后捅你一刀。有些人对你一般，可是有麻烦时却伸出援手。老实说，我现在比在大学时期更封闭自己，不愿分享自己内心的心情，生怕被伤害。也许我senior说的对，面对大部分人时，记得带上面具，要不然真的会毁容。好啦，现在和马大说再见了，出马大校门时，真的是头也不回，生怕回头一望心情会很沉重。

现在，从恶劣的环境走了出来。目标也跟着消失了，迷失了自我。 今天下午一个人在家时，我面对着自己整天逃避的问题-我接下来要怎么走。我想了很久，心里因为没有了方向，没有了目标而感觉很恐惧。自己仿佛好像被一股浓雾包围，完全不懂自己应该往哪里走。虽然已经和某教授申请当研究生，可是到现在毫无音讯。想申请工作可是不想在KL，虽然可以学到不同的东西，可是这两个月告诉我这里不是我要的生活，每天上班塞车，午餐塞车，下班塞车。而且耳朵每天还要被无数个喇叭轰炸而整个人被弄得越来越不耐烦。现在回想起在金宝的日子真是好，当初埋怨金宝这个地方这里不好那里不好，现在反而觉得金宝确实是个很不错的地方。或许我是不适合在大城市生活，大城市有很多pub, bistro, club, shopping mall，可是不适合我。我比较喜欢亲近大自然的，好像在金宝的三年，早起身，放学后可以去骑脚踏车，跑跑步，看看别人钓鱼等等。。。整个人顿时可以放松下来。在这里，下班后塞车回到家都不懂几点了。

苦也诉了，怨也埋了。自己真的很想从自己的“完美世界”清醒过来了，可是前方的路完全不知道应该怎样走。说实话，我真的不懂怎样才可以找回迷失的自己，找回自己的目标。这到底是我性格问题，还是我之前做错了选择导致现在害怕而止步。二十二岁了，不再是小孩了，应该要有自己的目标和工作。我现在真的害怕自己会一天一天的浪费时间。

缺点

工作一个多月以来，老实说自己看清自己的缺点有哪些了：

1. 固执
以前觉得自己这种性格是坚持，现在才发现是固执。通常都是在不对的时候坚持不对的东西。结果换来的就是不想要的结果。

2. 缺乏耐性
不知道是以前就是这样还是在PJ培养出来的。之前刚开始时塞车我还可以忍受，现在塞车时，心里就开始缺乏耐性，脾气开始暴躁起来。现在如果有人问我东西几次我还可以慢慢解释，如果再继续问同样的问题，我会“顶不顺”。

3. 自我中心
可能这个缺点老早就跟随着我了。我时常很快地就下定论，而且我要别人都认同我的看法，总是觉得自己是对的，甚至无视别人给的意见。

4. 多愁伤感
和我要好的朋友都很清楚我很容易emo。现在我还是有这个缺点，结果吓到同事问我发生什么事情。没错，我是很容易就想一大堆有的没的，结果越想越烦恼。

5. 不善于交际
每当遇到不熟悉的人时，我是可以变的很安静，因为完全不知道要说些什么。我也不善于应酬，总觉得像是在拍别人马屁。

6. 极端
我每次只要得不到我说期待的，或者自己定下的目标。我就会开始往不好的方面去想，而且越想越极端，有时甚至想到没有回头路似的。想到连自己都害怕自己。

7. 没自信
我每次只要碰到难题或者陌生的情况，心里就会开始变得很慌张。这也许是因为以前小时候我一直被拿来和亲朋戚友来比较。就算我自己觉得多满意，身边的人一说不满意，我便开始对自己没有什么期望，然后把目标越放越高。结果更难达到而开始失去信心了。

我在写这些的同时，我在想自己到底有什么优点，结果真的是少得可怜。谁可以告诉我啊！

Countdown & Stress

I am now counting down that how many days left before I moved back to unemployed group again. Some of peoples beside me will say that how come I so fast decide to resign. I really wanted to explain but no one can understand the peoples, environment, equipment and etc.. Today I just get mad by an email from senior which want me to give her something that is really tough. I just hope that I will not quarrel with her in this month. Besides that, even though I have already live in KL for one month but I really don't like the lifestyle in here. Maybe I am more suitable to work in small town rather than big city.

During this month, I will say that I will try my best to find a job. At least now I can see how big is the difference in my mind on hows work looks like to me when I am still studying compare to now. During degree life, I still able to trust my friends. Now working, I can't trust any new friends that I meet. You won't know whether that person will betray you or not. Now when I got problem want to ask senior, they are like afraid we know more than them. Haiz

Sometimes when I got this kind of problem, I don't know how should I tell and who should I tell. Anyway, I just hope I can spend this month as smooth as possible.

无形的压力

等了那么多个月，总算没有白费。
虽然只是做一个RA，这样至少有更高的机会读master。
现在住处和交通都没问题了，可是无形的压力却开始形成。
每当亲戚知道自己做RA时，都说很不错很不赖。
可是我一个月扣掉EPF那些，所得到的才一千两百出。
家人虽然给了我一辆车。可是费用完全要靠自己。
想一想，在PJ一个人，家人没有给所谓的financial support。
房租加泊车位加水电，上网的费用都要五百出。
车油一个月给它一百出。
薪水的一半已经没有了。
再扣掉生活费，想要存钱真的接近不可能。
还有就是有时还要载妹妹去买东西那些。
真的不懂我可以撑得住吗。
现在还没开工，心里那股恐惧感真的一直在增加，那股无形的压力真的不懂如何释放。
也不懂向谁倾诉，也许会有人叫我一而再地商量，可是我家人的性格却。。。。。。

真想乐观看待此事，可是现实的残酷真的令我开始止步

Study or Work?

These few days keep on getting calls from different company and offering me jobs. What I can say is all is full time and contract based. These reality temptation is shaking my will to go for further study. Many relatives and friends around me telling me that if I choose to work, the chances to go for further study is getting dimmer and dimmer because once you go for work, its a tough challenges for me to resign and go for further study due to money/financial reason.

Want to find part time but mostly is sales related part time and now keep getting job offering from companies. I really want to go for further study but no reply from potential supervisor. I am really afraid the opportunity to accept the job offering will gone and felt regret that I didn't take the offer at the first place.

I now really in dilemma. Continue wait for master or take that offer? I am totally lost in this junction.

One month

Another trip with my family, its been 3 years plus that I didn't go for any trip with my family. Although this trip is random but the date is exactly one month from the day I go to the same place with my "ji mui" - Penang. Haha.

1st location - queensbay. It takes me some time before can find the parking entrance to the shopping mall. Haha. Once step in the shopping mall, the memory with friends that play at here is reappear in my mind. This trip, only able to meet Saw Yi. Although just be apart for 1 month but we like apart for some months already, the topic can chat is so much until we almost forgot how long we have chat. Thanks to the phone, although some of my friend cannot come for a meet up but still able to chat via phone. Although its just a meet up but my heart is feel warm. ^^ After that, go for a walk at the seashore by myself, what can I say is relax, my family member didn't like the smell of the sea. But for me, this smell can only get from the seashore but not other place, I also feel that I really like sea so much. Haha. So far, the only thing I don't like is the super jam at the Georgetown. Anyway, still need to adapt to it as need to study and work at this island in the future.

Day 2, early in the morning waked by the heavy rain. Be honest, its my first time to see such a heavy rain in Penang and the views of the sea in the rain is so much different. Now, thanks to the rain, I am now shivering and freezing while typing this entry.

你觉得吗？

今天看facebook时读到一个不错的短文：


你覺不覺得
這一畢業
就是一輩子

你有沒有覺得
身邊這些忙碌的同學
以後就再也見不到了

你有沒有覺得
這個夏天過去了
就再也不會回來了

你有沒有覺得
領到畢業證書的那天
就是結束學生生涯的那天

你有沒有覺得
這次一關熟悉的宿舍門
就再也不會再打開了

你有沒有覺得
也許下次回到學校
這裡已經變得
不是記憶中的樣子了

你有沒有覺得
再也不會有一群陪着你買衣服
談論形形色色的男男女女

你有沒有覺得
再也不會回到那個熟悉
每件商品價格的小商店了

你有沒有覺得
再也不會有人罵著你笨
你也會開懷大笑了

你有沒有覺得
那熟悉的足球場
那群熟悉的夥伴
以後都不會路過了

你有沒有覺得
那痛恨的考試
再也不會糾結着
你的每個寒冬酷暑了

你有沒有覺得
那思念的人
有可能就再也見不到了

你有沒有覺得
這你罵了幾年的地方
卻是你最後懷念的地方

你有沒有覺得
這裡的
每一條小徑
每一條走廊
都有着屬於你的故事

你有沒有覺得
這裡的每一個食堂
都有你恨的和愛的菜

你有沒有記得
這個你踏上社會
最後的一個平台

你有沒有覺得
這一分別
幾年的恩恩怨怨
歡樂笑臉都過去了

你有沒有覺得
這一分別
那些牌搭子
那些社團學生會團總支的人
都不會繼續一起開會演節目了

你有沒有覺得
這一分別
以後的天南海北
就都有曾經相識多年的朋友了

你有沒有覺得
這一分別
就是一輩子不見了

Missing You

My buddies, I missed you all! I really missed you all. Those days after Penang trip was a hard time for me. During these day, I keep making present for you all and my mind keep on recalling back what we've done together.

Maybe some people will say I am not mature, afraid and refuse to get out from the past. Yet, I still that nostalgia. Yeah, I know. Although its hard to get out from the memory but I still need to get out from it and look forward.

At this moment, I am trying to convert the happiest moment with you all to be my motivation force to push me, to support me and etc.. If I can do it, I trust you all also can do it, right? Hwaiting!!!

Penang Trip

For somebody, maybe very familiar with P.Penang already. But for 7 of us, we think that P.Penang is truly a nice place to stay and nice play to live. Haha.

Before we going, I just think that the attraction of Penang is same like what I go with my parents before. At the beginning, I really think that we will just go there shopping or what until the day before we depart and prepare the itinerary for the whole trip. Then only I realise that there are still so much places that I haven't go before and some of the places I also haven't heard before. Hahaha! That night I almost suffer from insomnia because too excited for the following day. ^^

On the first day, we go places around Batu Ferringhi and enjoy some "luxurious" environment there. The beach we go although is a bit dirty but the ambient is very nice (maybe I love sea so much). Yh, you make me laugh a lot that day, I also don't know how come your shoes will flushed by the waves and nearly cannot rescue back. XDD. After playing like crazy people around the beach, we then go swim at the swimming pool. Then I only realise I forgot how to swim like a frog. O_O Until now, I still don't know how can you float so easily on the water but we will sink. (Perhaps total body fat higher?) Hahaha, just joking ya. Ji mui, sorry for the blurry photo that I took although I tried my best to stop myself from shivering. But it was really too cold until I cannot tahan. Paiseh lar.

Second day, the places we go too much until I also not that remember what places we actually go. Haha. I know you all very enjoy when someone being touched by handsome guy. Haha!!! Next, its my first time to bath the god and eat in a temple. I not sure is I 心理作用 or what, I feel abnormally calm once step into the temple, really calm when inside and I don't know why. Bukit Bendera, I have heard this place long time ago but my parents never bring me there and say nothing to see and very far or what. Once I go on top of the mountain, its stunned me as there are far more interesting that what others people said. We also eat a lot of famous food until bloated. Hahaha

Third day, also the last day of our trip. We went to the place that I believe my parents wont bring me go. War museum. My parents will say so tired, make whole body sweat and pay money for all this. I also can understand lar. But with friends, this place really can train our stamina and can feels what soldiers felt. From crawling inside tunnel, climb to the anti-aircraft pad, climbing steep hill, etc. All these are the things that we cannot try normally. But, I really been shocked by the fake people inside the room (now thinking back still feel afraid). I think many people won't walk to this museum alone as its quite creepy. I can tell you that after you go through all point in the museum, you will feels that you already exercise a lot as your sweat keep dripping. After museum, go enjoy aircond in Queensbay mall before back to our "hotel" at the top of the island. After packing, I felt sad feeling rushing to my body as its time to say good bye. Although tried not to cry but still cry after seeing and reading your present. Its very nice and honestly, I LOVE IT VERY MUCH!!! It make me want to rethink your half-way done present.

I really enjoyed this trip and I think all of us were enjoyed it also. Kai Wen, you can be the potential tour guide already but need some training. Hahahahahahhaha!!! Now, when I back to Kampar, there is a feeling like something lost, feeling empty. You all imprint a permanent mark in my heart. ^^

Precious memory (Photo)

大家在努力地设计一件属于自己和属于大家的T-shirt (=.=!!! 好乱哦）

Yeah!设计完了，要拍照时很多人回家了。LOL

很pro的样子（哈哈）

终于看到你们pro的一面了

杏琳竟然高过我（接受不了咯！！！）

pro了过后，疯狂的一面

有时候站前面未必是好事（嘻嘻）

飞跃，飞向未来

双截棍，来啦！！！

预备1......2......

几时多了一个靓女（不要当镜头啦！！！）

......3喀嚓

人造相框？

 另一天，prison break prom night（shhhh...我是偷偷进去的）哈哈，为了你们

凯雯，你的衣服是特地配合场合的吗？（囚犯的衣服）

选美佳丽们的合照

朋友们，我们之间的的回忆是不会不见的 (someone,2012)

Pre-graduation photo shooting (Words only)

27/3/2012, can consider as a day full with different kind of feeling. In the morning, I can see my friends busy with the make up, matching, selection status on the group wall. (Same do I) Ha ha. From these posts, I can really feels the happiness, the excitement from all my friends. Once go in the lecture hall, what can I see is the another side of my friends. You all are showing the pretty side and honestly, it do impressed me. During the lecture I am trying so hard to concentrate to what the lecturer is talking about because behind me are the discussions regarding the photo shooting event.

After lunch, its show time. I was really stunned with the formal wear of you girls, with the blazer on, you girls sudden become very pro. Haha. For you that I know since year 1, the number of make up you've made really can count by only using fingers. This make me need to see you more with your precious make up. To you, your hairstyle really impressed me as it really match you and your technique is so good until it almost perfect and yet you say you are noob at these kind o things. There are 2 possibilities: 1 is your expectation is too high, 2 is you are so humble. For others, you are really giving all of us excitement and surprises.

During the photo shooting session, I am really enjoying in it for all the theme. From serious to funny and finally crazy. There is only one section I believe that most of us feels like want to cry (including myself), the convo portrait shooting section. I do see some of my friends really want to cry. Human are very interesting. During orientation, we are blaming when will I leave this place but now, we start to blame why time passed so fast.

After official photo shooting, its time for random shooting. Haha. I strongly agree this enhance our relationship better than ever. The craziest moment, willing to sit on grass under the rain. But I LIKE IT. XDD

28/3/2012 Wake up in the morning and what I saw on facebook is photos and comments. 21 notifications. After 9am, my facebook is like being bombarded with notification. Just finish reply this photos, two new comments appears. Busiest moment in the morning. After back from campus and start to see those photos one by one. During halfway, I don't know why my tears drop from my eyes. The photos are so touched. Just like the happy moment has stopped and trapped inside every photos. Sometimes really feels that friendships are stronger than relationship of a couple. In friendship, if misunderstand occurs, others will try to help. But if this happened in relationship, its have a high possibilities that the relationship end.

Friends, now is already week 11 and the time we can gather together is getting lesser and lesser. So, we do should treasure this remaining precious moment with those that understand you but not wasting time on entertaining those that hurt you (Kai Wen, 2012). Let's fight and survived from VIVA, thesis, finals together!!! Hwaiting!!!

Feeling from Heart

This kind of feeling actually started at the beginning of this semester. The feeling of afraid losing something.

These few days really enjoy with the trip with all my best friends. However, a little bit of feeling of sadness also included. This is because every one day spent, the time of we hanging out together less 1 day. This make me value the day we all can still hanging out together before graduate. Haha.

Although time wait for no one is a truth, the thing we can do is treasure the time we still can  crazy together. All my best friends, let's rock. Lol

2012 农历新年来咯

看到了吗？距离农历新年的天数。看到都让人觉得很兴奋。哈哈哈

虽然新的学期（也是毕业前的最后一个学期）刚开始，不过一想到新年，压力却被期待和兴奋的感觉取代了，在新年里，在乎的不只是吃的和玩的，而是在乎亲朋戚友聚在一起的那个气氛，超温馨的。

我的朋友们，相信你们看到上面那个倒数器的数字应该也和我一样那么兴奋吧。