平安夜前夕

很奇怪吧，为什么不是圣诞节前夕。哈哈，其实没什么，就今天是平安夜的前两天。
宁静的夜晚，徐徐微风不断迎面而来，仿佛想把我那虚假的面具吹掉。整个人不知不觉地开始回想自己的事情。
八月，对我来说是个大日子，因为我终于被UM录取为research assistant。心里兴奋的心情压抑不住，恨不得就越赶快到来。
九月，刚开工不到几天，后悔了。这里并没有想象中那么好，位子不够，bench不够，仪器不够，一个小小的pantry，一张桌子竟然是五个人的办公室。也许是还不习惯吧，忍忍看会不会改善。
十月，忍无可忍了。情况每况愈下，lab又来了新人，现在一个星期有两三天是在办公室上网到放工，想做东西却没有位子做。终于鼓起勇气提交了辞职信，提交了过后我好像松了一口气。接下来的日子就把给我的东西做到美美然后交回给senior。另外，也开始找工作了。
十一月，没有任何消息。心里却安慰自己说就当作休息一下吧。可是每当看到朋友工作时，心里都会低落，会埋怨自己为什么还是游手好闲。想找part time，家人却一直念。这个月比较没有压力就是去女友家陪伴她，我可以感觉到她一直鼓励我，给我正能量。所以每当在她家的期间，我会很有斗志，可是一回家后，斗志被家人的冷言冷语磨灭了。
十二月，还是没有消息。心里开始慌了，想逃避这一切。刚巧女友的空，便去她家一个星期。晚上睡觉时连她都知道我压力大，因为一直磨牙。有一次我还崩溃到哭了出来。我真的慌了。心里想，我已经不小了，要开始赚钱了，要不然以后怎样养家呀，怎样给幸福家庭。以前还在求学时，心里的计划是多么的完美，现在却被残酷的现实给慢慢吞噬。我觉得我就是缺乏那份勇气，每当要做事情是，心里都会往坏的方面想，结果放弃了。也许是因为以前做任何事在家人眼中都是错的，自信心变这样被削弱。现在很怕亲戚一直问我有什么打算，我真的不懂我该如何打算。
除此之外，发现到另一个问题。自从五月毕业，我和家人之间好像有隔阂，他们说的话题我完全接不进去。只有他们说，我在听，要不然我就自己回房间。
现在2012快要结束了，快要迎接新的一年了，可是我却没有勇气面对新的到来。我不奢望别人来帮忙因为自己的路要自己走，我只想在这里抒发出来。

Myself

Today did some personality test and found out got one test is showing the real me by showing a very accurate result. The result as followed:

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.
The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.
Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is less important than the real world out there, away from the classroom. Deep inside you want to start working, earning money and living on your own.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

After read this, I just feels like understanding myself better.

The end of the world

As getting near the "so called" 2012 Armageddon. A lot of social website getting more and more topic regarding to it. For me, I will just take it as a normal day. There is also a joke but true regarding this 2012. If people believe that 21.12.2012 11.11am GMT is the end of the world and used all his/her money before that. Even though there is no the end of the world but its the end of the world of that person. So, I believe that the end of the world is in your hand, if you want it to be happen, it will happen to you. Lastly, I will just post a countdown clock as somekind of counting down the arrival of that day.



The Official Countdown

久违的感觉

昨晚和知己skype了一会儿，虽然都是谈些琐碎的事情，可是心里确实有那种很回味的柑橘。对！就是当我们大家还在degree时的感觉，那种感觉回来了。可是时间就是过得那么快，谈不到一会儿大家都要下线了。

今天是我另一位知己的生日，本来想昨晚作弄她的，电话竟然没有回复。心里想：你是故意的还是睡着了。哈哈！结果今天早上六点十四分被电话信息铃声吵醒，你真的那么早起身。今天是你的生日，短短的手机通话向你祝福，我好像比你还要开心，可能是因为太久大家没有一起谈天了吧。

LL，大家每年来一次的聚会吧。:)

迷失了自我

终于辞掉了在马大的工作。这一天，带着舒畅但是沉重的心情把我成功的完成了那时senior交给我的project交回给她。在马大的两个月我的确学了不少东西，也很佩服自己的能力。以前需要三个月完成的东西，现在不到一个月就完成了。至于坏的方面，我也学了一些。现在我对于“云吞”有更坏的印象。在这里，十个有九个都是当作来上班是休息的地方，懒散（午餐时间到一点，两点半还在里面吃东西，完全不理我们这些小人物再三的催促）。在PJ的这两个月，我终于明白什么叫做一样米养百种人。有些对你很好，可是在背后捅你一刀。有些人对你一般，可是有麻烦时却伸出援手。老实说，我现在比在大学时期更封闭自己，不愿分享自己内心的心情，生怕被伤害。也许我senior说的对，面对大部分人时，记得带上面具，要不然真的会毁容。好啦，现在和马大说再见了，出马大校门时，真的是头也不回，生怕回头一望心情会很沉重。

现在，从恶劣的环境走了出来。目标也跟着消失了，迷失了自我。 今天下午一个人在家时，我面对着自己整天逃避的问题-我接下来要怎么走。我想了很久，心里因为没有了方向，没有了目标而感觉很恐惧。自己仿佛好像被一股浓雾包围，完全不懂自己应该往哪里走。虽然已经和某教授申请当研究生，可是到现在毫无音讯。想申请工作可是不想在KL，虽然可以学到不同的东西，可是这两个月告诉我这里不是我要的生活，每天上班塞车，午餐塞车，下班塞车。而且耳朵每天还要被无数个喇叭轰炸而整个人被弄得越来越不耐烦。现在回想起在金宝的日子真是好，当初埋怨金宝这个地方这里不好那里不好，现在反而觉得金宝确实是个很不错的地方。或许我是不适合在大城市生活，大城市有很多pub, bistro, club, shopping mall，可是不适合我。我比较喜欢亲近大自然的，好像在金宝的三年，早起身，放学后可以去骑脚踏车，跑跑步，看看别人钓鱼等等。。。整个人顿时可以放松下来。在这里，下班后塞车回到家都不懂几点了。

苦也诉了，怨也埋了。自己真的很想从自己的“完美世界”清醒过来了，可是前方的路完全不知道应该怎样走。说实话，我真的不懂怎样才可以找回迷失的自己，找回自己的目标。这到底是我性格问题，还是我之前做错了选择导致现在害怕而止步。二十二岁了，不再是小孩了，应该要有自己的目标和工作。我现在真的害怕自己会一天一天的浪费时间。