Can put down the mask?

Should I put down my mask? I feel like I am acting in front of many people.
I still want to join my friends go here and there even though I am sick. I did not tell them anything any my illness because I don't want they worry. In the end, I am the one who suffer all.
I can't able to sleep well for few days already due to non-stop cough in the night. It really make me suffer till wanna cry already.
I know maybe some of my friend can see I have become thinner and like weaker if compare with before CNY.
Many people will gain weight during holiday or CNY except me, I lose weight during that time. Haiz.

Another problem is the tutorial for one of my subject. How can the tutor know nothing about the assignment and just told me to consult the lecturer. One more thing is the tutor did not arrange the group for group assignment and till now I still dunno who is my group member for that subject group assignment. I am the only BT student and others are other courses. Haiz. Now I even have to do pair work by myself. I now trying to tell myself that this is to train me to work independently.

Actually I did not want to say these out but I have no choice because I really feel tired of it.

That's all I write for this entry.

Stress...Change

Why I have already started to afraid of some subjects although it is only week two?
Does that means I can't catch up with others?
Is it a sign that tell me that my study method have to be change? But how?
I am very confuse about what should I do for now on. I tried to force myself to revise what has been taught today but for some subjects, I can't recall it back and ended up with lots of unknowns.
Which causes me become anxious and afraid. We are afraid when we facing unknowns or something that is not familiar with us.

I remember the last time I have this feeling is the first week when I first come to UTAR. I like lost and my heart is fulfilled by anxiety.
I think what causes me like this is the incident when I am still a child.
That year I not really remember what age am I, what I know is that I feel all my life is just run like what my parents planning. That time I really want to escape but I know I can't. Maybe it is what we called we can't change our fate. We only can obey our fate.
I believe many people childhood is very happy and relax but not me. In my memory, my childhood is books, dozen of books. My aim during my childhood is studying and get good results. The reason that my parents tell me is, you have to start studying when you are small then only you can catch up with others. During gathering with relatives, my result become the tools that my parents using it to compare with relatives' children. I really hate this kind of comparison. If they found out my relatives' children get better result than me, then they will scold me when back to home. I really feel I am like a tools only. In the end, I ended up in my house and don't even have many chances meeting and making new friends. Which causes me now afraid and anxious when making new friends. I try really hard to overcome this problems but luckily I success for few times.

During my secondary school life, is just do not have many difference. Whoever that I want to make friends with, my parents will say a lot of things and keep asking. There are a few times I and my parents argue because of this issue. I know many people during secondary school life will go out with friends during night but not me. I do not have any permission to go out during night. The reason is "danger". When people tell me that I am flower in the house, I have to admit even though this is not the life I want. What I feel is I am just like a piece of chess that being played by my parents. I just can't independent.

I will stop here. I may have to conceal my real feeling when facing with friends. If I disclose myself too much, I afraid I will ended up with no friends. I think I have to change even though it will be really hard. I hope I can manage my education very well.

The night before my motorcycle test

What word can I use for tonight?
Mostly is anxious, scare, and worry. I now trying to tell myself that I will be all right, I can pass this test, Its just a test only, don't worry too much. However, inside my heart, these positive and negative thinking is fighting violently. What can I do to reduce my stress level??? I am on a great pressure now.
I will try my best and will definitely pass the test tomorrow. Wish me luck and all the best. ^^

First blog entry for year 2010

Its year 2010 already and guess what. we all one year older already. Haha
2010 I hope is a better year and hope no unhappy things or incidents will happen.
The first mission for me in the beginning in this year is to get my motorcycle license in 14 of January.
I will surely able to accomplish my first mission although now I feeling anxious and worry about it. Anyway, I will try my best.
In this year, I have plan many things for me to do and will accomplish all the mission and target that I set.
That's all for my first blog entry for 2010 and wish all my friends all the best. ^^

Are Girls Mysterious?

Are girls that mysterious like what the Chinese say "women's heart are like the needle under the sea."?

What will you think if a girl suddenly make you feel that she is unhappy and when you ask her what happen and she just say don't know? As for me, I will feel nervous and worry about it. I want to make her become happy again just like before but I really don't know where can I start to find out what is the source of the problem. Although I have already try hard but what I can feel is I can't even make her laugh and even I feel that I make the situation worst. I really want to help her but now I feel helpless. I don't know where the problem come from, what cause the problem. In the end, I and her are in the cold war now, I want to help her but what I get is just negative message that refuse me to help her. This is the longest cold war between I and her ever been. Haiz

I really hope that she can tell me what is actually happen and can become happy again. Wish you can enjoy your university life in KL.